Sometimes I feel like I am on a high dosage of emotional speed. Like I'm high on my thoughts and emotions. And for the most part, I like that level of heightened senses and experiences and friendships and conversations. But sometimes I reach capacity and need to detox myself and give my mind a rest.
This past week was full of really normal days with normal things like work, and walking the dog, and small group but it was salted with conversations about forgiveness and redemption. And if I am honest, I am at square one. Or maybe square two but not far down the road except for my desire to walk it.
I need God's help on where to go from here as He has given us huge reason to believe that there may be reconciliation in my family. And as much as I want to hold onto my anger and confusion, I think, by grace and for grace's sake, I want to forgive more. This week my friend Allison looked me in the eye and said "It is ok that you are hurt and angry but is that worth missing the opportunity to have a front row seat to what miracles God may be doing?". And I really can't disagree with that.
So, my mind is at capacity, full of thoughts and lists and prayers and to-dos but I am going to take a lot of time this next week to get those things out on paper and with Ryan's help, process them with hope of moving forward through them. I think that is something else that has struck me deeply over the past 6 weeks; how my husband's protection and discernment has enforced boundaries and shields I didn't know or have the strength to put up. And for that I am really thankful. Soulfully thankful. It's amazing what a difference we each as husbands and wives can make in the walk our spouses have with the Lord.
So if I may ask you to pray with us as a family, as we step into a season of hopefulness that we did not anticipate and regardless of the outcome, are trying to trust God's larger plan.
Proverbs 16:9
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
Thanks for your honesty, Bek! Sometimes the miracles happen in our own hearts...like being given the capacity to forgive & give second chances. But I truly hope you see other hearts change as well!
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ReplyDeleteBeautiful reflections Bekah!! There's a universal truth about the doors forgiveness opens that's always nice to be reminded of, but this part really resonated with me:
ReplyDelete"...how my husband's protection and discernment has enforced boundaries and shields I didn't know or have the strength to put up"
I am often asked about the secret to my happiness and the immediate answer is gratitude, but that ability to reflect and connect is truly owed to my hubby, who does for me, what Ryan does for you, which is a blessing in and of itself. It took me many years to realize that though, glad you are realizing it quicker than I did :)