a whole new world

I can't believe that 9 days have already passed and a week ago we were bringing our sweet baby girl home from the hospital. I haven't blogged, although there have been many hours between 3-5 a.m. that I could have but it seems almost too large to capture all of the emotions, changes, joys and blessings that have taken place in less than 10 days.

Hannah came in to our world a few days later than our original due date (May 16) but also a few days earlier than the doctor eventually thought she would. Believing that I would be later yet, I went with Molly to a girl's night in GR, in hopes to win some giveaways and have some good snacks. I got a whole lot more out of the deal! Just for fun I had gotten a foot massage with some focused pressure on "trigger" spots for labor but hadn't taken it too seriously.

When I got home we went on what Ryan declared the fastest walk I had ever taken, pregnant or not. It didn't occur to me at that time that the burst of energy I was feeling could be related to oncoming labor. It just felt like a good night for a walk and we got home and in bed at a relatively normal time. When I got up for probably the third time to go to the bathroom around midnight, my water broke, just like happens in the movies and I knew at that point that things were getting started. I woke Ryan up to tell him and he jumped in to action with me, calling the hospital to see what to do next. They gave us the advice to stick it out at home for awhile and poor Toby followed me around the house for the next 6 hours or so of contractions.

Per my request, we hit up McDonalds for a smoothie between deep breathing on the way to the hospital out of my fear that once I got in to more active labor, I wouldn't be able to eat. We were set up and in our room by 7 a.m. and although my contractions were closer together and harder, I was surprised to hear that not much was happening yet. Between Ryan's support, a few laps around the hall and trying to focus on the end result, the time went pretty quickly but I couldn't imagine going all day like that without progress. When the doctor gave the invitation for an epidural (my plan all along), I jumped at the opportunity and couldn't say enough nice things about the anesthesiologist. I told Ryan to "write him a check" because his work was invaluable, clearly I was a bit loopy by this point.

After that took place, the game changed incredibly. I was actually able to enjoy the process and focus on the fact that I was going to have this baby within the next 12 hours or so. A couple of times the doctor came back to check me and things were still not progressing to the point that he wanted them to. The biggest issue was that she was not dropping at all and he was pretty sure that she would not fit. We started to wonder around 3 or 4 p.m. if a c-section might be in order. He decided to come back one last time after his 5:00 workday ended and if I wasn't ready at that point, we would get ready for surgery. Ryan and I prayed at that time for peace with whatever happened and to be prepared for either outcome. Lo and behold, within a matter of an hour or so, things changed dramatically and when the doctor came back and told me I was at a 10 I was shocked and elated. The time had come!!

The next 45 minutes were some of the most amazing moments of my life, with Ryan by my side as my coach and an incredibly supportive and encouraging medical team, Hannah was born at 6:35 p.m. The emotions I had when I first saw her tiny nose and heard she was a girl were so overwhelming and beautiful. Something changed within both Ryan and I in that moment, knowing we were going to be parents to a daughter. I know I thought it was a boy all along but it just seemed 100% right when Ryan said "its a girl".



The past nine days since then have gone by in a blur of quiet moments, sharing her with friends, all kinds of firsts and learning more than I ever knew possible about love and our little family. Ryan has made this transition incredibly beautiful by doing all kinds of things to take care of his girls. I really don't know what I would do without him. As I right, he and Hannah are fast asleep on the couch, she on his chest and Toby by their feet. I can't wait to share more about her and the journey we are on as parents but until then, I will be soaking up these moments as the come.

simple joys

There is nothing like a night at home with this guy laying by my feet:

Adding to that joy by:
watching a movie on my laptop, in bed
eating a night snack of an orange (of course) and some animal crackers
feeling cozy while a major spring storm is brewing outside my window

Especially enjoying the relaxing after a full weekend of showing the house and being blessed with more showering of love for our babe. Sunday was the last of our showers before baby and I can honestly say I have enjoyed each shower in their own ways. Sunday was special because it was thrown by my aunts and included great grandmas & great aunts as well. Here are a few pics from the celebration:

the great grandmas

Auntie Chris & Aunt Karri

the momma and her momma

the moms & their girls

They also included the verse below in the celebration and after how much the picture of sheep meant to me from Israel, it was really meaningful. My Auntie Chris made up a magnet with this verse for everyone to take with them as a reminder to pray for us. The thought of walking this path of parenthood and knowing others are praying for us in this way is a huge encouragement to me.

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
-Isaiah 40:11

If that weren't enough joy for one day, we found out when we got to youth group that there was a surprise shower planned for our night. Laura & Kelsey got a delicious cake, planned all of our games for the night around baby relays (like eating baby food, drinking coke from bottles, etc) and they blessed us with 4 packs of diapers!

Loved this picture of us because it really seems to capture us, right where we are in this season. Including the fact that I have been wearing those earrings and that necklace almost every day for the past few weeks in effort to even out my growing belly, purely based on the rule that the bigger you are, the more freedom you have to wear larger accessories!

Poor Ryan, this was the only shower he got to attend & the one gift he got to open was diapers. He seemed pretty excited though, maybe the practical side of him as a guy knows how helpful they will be!


So so happy and appreciative that all of the people we love are walking with us but it just makes these nights at home that much more valuable. This guy is waiting so it must mean it is time for bed.

FW: Burned Biscuits

I was never any good at chain letters or postcards or recipe exchanges. And I suppose that my lack of love for email forwards just continued that pattern.
However, this morning as I drank my coffee, I took a rare opportunity to read this forward, "burned biscuits". The title could be interpreted in a number of different ways, I will let you run your own analysis on that one. Moving on. Reading it gave me a little bit of a deep breath towards some of the over analyzing taking place on many relational fronts in my life.

Without further ado, I give you...BURNED BISCUITS: (*author not credited because who knows who writes these things):

When I was a kid, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work.

On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school.. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: "Honey, I love burned biscuits."

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"

Life is full of imperfect things.....and imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. But what I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others faults - and choosing to celebrate each others differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

And that's my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn't a deal-breaker!We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship!


So Please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burnt one will do just fine.

the end.

oh boy, this might be a long one

I have been feeling a bit melancholy this week. I think the reality of the emotional roller coaster of past few months has started to set in and I feel a bit tired even physically from carrying it around in my mind. I read a quote today from Shauna Niequist's new book, Bittersweet (Kate, I know you can't wait either!) and it gave legs to the thoughts running around in my head:

When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate, and when life is bitter, say thank you and grow.‘

The only bitter taste in my mouth might be mine. I have experienced the depth of forgiveness, both mind and others, through really specific and hard passages in John 8 and Luke 17 in the past month. I now feel like I am on the brink or maybe deep in (who can see out right now?) part 2 of this process of surrender in my own life as I feel the control I once thought I had is being pulled from my sometimes clenched, sometimes wide open hands. So as easy as it is for me to live in the day with flowers on my table these things are also there.

As for the flowers on my table, here they are:


Other things bringing sunshine:

-the music of JJ Heller, especially this song called "Your Hands".


-T minus 15 days until Israel. Unbelievable and I really don't know where February and March went. Either way, Stacie and I went on a gear shopping trip today and I am so thankful for her help because the world of Camelbak and hiking shorts and Smartwool socks is a foreign one to me. I never knew I could experience sock lust but there was definitely an everyday pair that got me pretty tempted this afternoon! I may have to dedicate a entire post to the world of gear in the near future.

-I have been doing a lot of dishes by hand again lately. I can't figure out why I haven't called the appliance people yet but as a result, I have made my way through almost the entire audio book of "The Prodigal God" by Tim Keller. This is the smartest way to "read" a book that I have never done before but this particular book is one where I wish I had a pen and paper taking notes and may have to listen to again to do so. It is all about how the story of the prodigal son is really about the elder brother as much as it is the younger prodigal in the story. Amazing ties to the cultural context that Jesus was telling the parable in and he is blowing my mind with the ties to the feast that Jesus is inviting us to as His prodigal sons and daughters, as well as the way that we are commanded to live now, not as either of the sons (wayward or self-righteous). I could say so much more but encourage you to read or listen to it yourself.

One more thing. We went to dinner last night with my grandparents and there was a moment in the evening when I felt like I was watching pieces of when Harry Met Sally. Not the scenes where they talk about pecan pie or fight about the wagon wheel but when they show clips of older couples telling their stories. If you don't know what I am talking about, you can watch it here. It was a moment worth capturing on film.

girls' day out

the girls (squinty-eyed, I should have busted out my shades)

I do have the world's best mother in law. Sorry. She's taken! Every year Ryan's mom takes his sis, Rochelle and I on a little day trip. I think this year may have been my favorite thus far. We met last Friday at 9:30 and headed to downtown Rockford, a little gem of a town about 15 miles north of Grand Rapids. Again, my state pride continues to rise this time of year, there are so many great places in Michigan that I don't even know much about!

We spent our morning wandering in and out of boutiques and crafty stores, along with a resale shop where I eyed a pair of Gap jeans and just knew they would be perfect. So for $23, they were mine! When does that ever happen with jeans? The 3 of us tend to get a little goofy together and there was a lot of laughter packed into the day including the time when I spilled on myself over our lunch at Arnie's and asked what a bib for adult would be called. Rochelle's response: "an apron". oh. haha. that one really got us. We spent the rest of the afternoon wandering again and capped it off with frappes from McDonalds....ahh
so nice to stop and smell the roses sometimes:

capacity

Sometimes I feel like I am on a high dosage of emotional speed. Like I'm high on my thoughts and emotions. And for the most part, I like that level of heightened senses and experiences and friendships and conversations. But sometimes I reach capacity and need to detox myself and give my mind a rest.

This past week was full of really normal days with normal things like work, and walking the dog, and small group but it was salted with conversations about forgiveness and redemption. And if I am honest, I am at square one. Or maybe square two but not far down the road except for my desire to walk it.
I need God's help on where to go from here as He has given us huge reason to believe that there may be reconciliation in my family. And as much as I want to hold onto my anger and confusion, I think, by grace and for grace's sake, I want to forgive more. This week my friend Allison looked me in the eye and said "It is ok that you are hurt and angry but is that worth missing the opportunity to have a front row seat to what miracles God may be doing?". And I really can't disagree with that.

So, my mind is at capacity, full of thoughts and lists and prayers and to-dos but I am going to take a lot of time this next week to get those things out on paper and with Ryan's help, process them with hope of moving forward through them. I think that is something else that has struck me deeply over the past 6 weeks; how my husband's protection and discernment has enforced boundaries and shields I didn't know or have the strength to put up. And for that I am really thankful. Soulfully thankful. It's amazing what a difference we each as husbands and wives can make in the walk our spouses have with the Lord.

So if I may ask you to pray with us as a family, as we step into a season of hopefulness that we did not anticipate and regardless of the outcome, are trying to trust God's larger plan.

Proverbs 16:9
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

I absolutely love this picture of Maggie & Jake Gyllenhaal from the Academy Awards.

And the fact that I could email it to my brother with the subject line "Sibs" and the statement "us as Hollywood siblings". Famous or not, there is something special about an older sister and a younger brother.

it's friday!

and I'm up early! so here are a few things to celebrate and one to pray for:
-we got our family pictures taken on Sunday and I have my proofs already! (note above). Why didn't we do this sooner? I can now replace the pictures that have been in frames for 2 years.
-my dog seems to know it is cold sometimes in this old house and has decided that cuddling at my feet is the perfect place to be, I agree.
-headed tomorrow with Ry and some other youth group leaders to the Lead Now conference for the day on the East side to see Donald Miller, Francis Chan, Matt Chandler on the big screen as a church there is doing a simulcast of this conference:

Did I ever menion how much I love conferences? Truly love them. The organization of them, the coffee breaks, the sessions, taking notes. I'm there.

I also have a prayer request to share as we navigate the next few weeks. Ryan's grandpa who was the best man in our wedding has since been struggling with Alzheimers and things are moving quicker than we thought they would in the last few weeks. If i can boldly ask you to pray for peace in this situation for our family, that would be much appreciated. I am honored that I got a chance to know Grandpa so well while we were dating and know that he has served such a full life ministering to his family and others around him.

weekend update

The adventures keep on keepin on and as much as I love summer, I can officially say that my inner homebody self is screaming out for some more time around Zeeland, especially on the weekends.

We are still really loving having Russell around; he is such a great kid and brings alot of life to our house. He got to join us in an annual family tradition...Danish Festival! For the past 26 years I have not missed it once, and my family has been literally sitting on the same corner to watch this parade for the 45 years that it has existed. I asked Russell what he thought since it was his first time and without missing a beat he said "those Danes are really something."

Here are a few pics of the day @ the parade and then our annual family party afterwards to celebrate my parent's birthdays which are both in late August.

finding constants

I look around my house this morning as we get ready to leave for church and instead of the seeing the disarray of the past 4 days and leftovers, pops cans and just plain stuff, I am choosing to see the adventures we had. And for someone like me, that takes some effort.

In my mind, I live my life most happily when everything has a place. But I am realizing that I can live happily without everything being in that place at every second. Or atleast I am trying to realize that. Ryan's 16 year old brother is staying with us for the week and we are creating all kinds of adventures and memories with him because he really doesn't have freedom at home to be a kid. So instead of doing dishes, we are taking walks and having cookouts and staying up late watching movies. And I am trying hard to be present. I would hate to think I missed out on life because I had to wash my comforter, I mean, really.

we came, we tri-ed, we conquered

It is a very good thing I decided this week to remember my like for running because I sure needed it this morning. Temperature: 91 degrees, Heat Index 101 degrees as we began our team triathlon at 7 a.m. in Naperville. We all decided we love this team thing because you still get to do the carb loading, enjoy the experience of the event and without putting your body into a state of exhaustion for the next 24 hours.

I was so proud of Ry, his first race of any kind and he has been the spectator at more races than he would like to remember so I guess he decided it was his turn. He rocked the swimming, Evon killed it on the bike & ran until I thought my face was the deepest purple possible. And it was all worth it because we just checked the team results and we got 9th out of 30 teams! Oh yeah! I'm really not too competitive with anyone but myself but it was fun to accomplish something as a team. Now we are off to enjoy a block party complete with brats on the grill & homemade ice cream. Here are a few post race pics (the camera died before hand) but it's all good.

Lake Geneva, WI part 2, the adventures

Amazing how a week of vacation can enough space for relaxation and exploring new places. I loved the town of Lake Geneva and we drove in a couple of times to just walk around and soak up the historic beach town. Here we are goofing around one night on the pier:

One of the highlights of our day trip into Milwaukee was Lakefront Brewery which some friends had highly recommended and it did not let us down. It was so laid back and fun that the hour tour flew by with a hilarious guide who is one of the original founders of the place. If you ever have a chance, for $6 you get multiple beer tastings and an awesome pint glass as a souvenir. It stood out as a favorite of everyone in the group as we sat on our last night and discussed the highlights of the week


We also took the chance to visit the "CHEESE MART", part of this little German district with a cheese store that ships internationally and has cheeses I have never even heard of. My poor family, a few of them asked me if I was going to buy a hat...am I that embarrassing?!

We tried to stretch our last 24 hours by waking up on Friday & kayaking down a river, just the 2 of us, which was a must-do on Ryan's short list. And I happily obliged, so relaxing and fun to just paddle side-by-side. Or more like Ryan was usually way ahead of me and I was dodging bushes and trees but I got the hang of it. For our last night we dressed up for dinner at a beautiful little Bistro on the top floor of an old manor with yummy appetizers like baked brie, bruschetta, and spinach dip followed by deep dishes of pasta and later the last pieces of the Lake Geneva Pie Company strawberry/rhubarb & apple pies ala mode. perfection.

Lake Geneva Wisconsin, part 1...the retreat

A big part of what made vacation so relaxing was just that, relaxing. We completely took on the life of vacationers from the moment we arrived and started the first day out by breaking in the porch and exploring the place. this picture totally captures the week:


I was surprised to find out that the Grand Geneva Resort that we were staying at was not actually on the lake itself but 2 miles away, in its own little haven with a golf course and rolling hills and pools with umbrella drinks and an awesome fitness center in which I partook daily in spin, yoga, or pilates to my hearts delight.

The week quickly found a rhythm of days of waking up, choosing a pool, going into town for a few hours or just reading on the deck. It was so new yet natural at the same time to have my hubby be able to completely relax without the responsibilities of a company waiting in his inbox. He amazes me with his ability to disconnect and I tried to emulate that as often as possible. This was his perch for many of the afternoons of the week:


My favorite part of each day was the nightly dinners that we all enjoyed together. We were allowed to do whatever we wanted during the day but each night, a different couple was in charge of dinner. It was really good to have that time, to get to know Evon's kids better since we haven't spent any time with some of them since meeting them 2 years ago and get to know the ones we do know better. The menus for our dinners were awesome including grilled pizzas, stuffed shells, enchiladas, grilled roast & potatoes. And there was no shortage of Leinenkugel's sunset wheat and 2 buck chuck to accompany the feasts.
the girls in the kitchen

open air cafe ala family cafe

awww...

Stacey, Kara & baby Iris (8 weeks old)


part 2 of our adventures tomorrow...I have to go deliver the thank you that Toby made for the neighbors for taking such good care of him while we were gone:

the wonder of a week

not just writing about vacationing, getting ready to do it. And anticipating with high expectations the wonder of a week. A whole week away from computers and noise and my own structured and planny everyday self. A whole week with Ryan where he has no client situations to solve and sleep to lose. The thought of a week without his blackberry which graduated into an Iphone mystifies me and I can't wait. I have to give him so much credit though becaue even in those times, he always gave me his time and attention when we went away together.

looking forward to renting bikes and lots of long walks on trails, the simple life. the wonder of a week is about to begin. Now if only my laundry would do itself and my house clean itself tonight. goodbye computer until August, goodbye.

quick pic

much too nice to be inside today so I thought I would just share a pic of all of us kids from a few weeks ago...


the gangs all here (me, Ryan, Allison, Erich & Austin, June 2009).

Get's me excited for more family times like vacation coming up in less than 2 weeks!! Already thinking about renting bikes and early morning walks only to nap poolside in the afternoon.

whirlwind weekend

sometimes life seems to be stuck on a permanent fast forward button. Almost always when summertime comes, there are weekends of zipping through one celebration to the next. Stuck in there are memories and moments of laughter and this past weekend was no different. This is how it went:
Friday night, birthday party for my favorite 3 year old which of course, was "Cars" themed. The simple summertime life of blowing bubbles, eating outside and hanging out on picnic tables.

his momma made the cake herself and it turned out great!

Saturday morning up early to drive to other side of the state for a gorgeous (PINK) wedding in Troy. I really have never seen so much pink in one place at one time. "Barbie-esque" as my husband called it. No one escaped without a little bit of sparkle on them. I wish I had pictures but just imagine pink lemonade or pepto vision for everything you see and you can transport yourself there. Ryan's grandma was here as well for the wedding and we usually only see her one time a year, on the 4th of July so that was an extra treat.

Despite our calm smiles, we almost didn't make it to the wedding after realizing that it was 30 miles away from the place we were getting ready & found ourselves sitting in HEAVY traffic at 2:50 when the wedding started at 3:00. always an adventure. We made it and caught the vows, the rings, and when the pastor introduced the couple as Mr. & Mrs. Johnson (the bride's maiden name). Worst part was he didn't realize his error.

Sunday brought adventures at Sandy Pines, where Ryan's parents have a summer home and Rochelle and I laid by the pool and took a golf cart ride to the ice cream store, if that isn't the heart of summer, I don't know what is. We ended the weekend grilling out with our best friends from church whose little girl just turned 2 months old. I love watching our friends become parents and we enjoyed hanging out and taking a LONG walk that is part of their daily routine. What a weekend! Thankful for times away but always thankful to be home.

fits of giggles

Last night Ryan and I attended my little brother Austin's 6th grade graduation from ACT, a program that he has been in since 3rd grade. In fact, the boys had to remind me that I was the only one who didn't quite pass the test to get into this program. But sweet Austin says it is only because I am a bad tester.
Picture AP classes for elementary school kids and add in adventures, experiments, lego robotics, origami, creativity with no end, there you have ACT. And this was no ordinary graduation- there were skits, raps, poems and essays. and I loved every second of it.

These kids are brilliant and creative and uninhibited. I think that is the part that overjoyed me, their willingness to express themselves without shame. There was the part where they shared their posters about being able to change their world and the environment and things like "there are cooler ways to die than smoking" and my FAVORITE, "don't be trashy, recycle" said with 'tude. I thought I may have a little giggle fit in my seat.

I want to have that much fun, to express myself in FULL COLOR. Here is another little set of giggles from my older younger brother (make sense? the older of the 2). He has an appreciation for wit as well.

from waldo henry
i would say ‘legooo?’ instead of ‘hello?’
haaa nice, very nice

an ecclesiastical day

this song has been playing its way through my head tonight.

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

this morning's memorial for Kaden was beautiful and full and worshipful. You don't quite know how to emotionally prepare for a day like this but even amongst the grief, there continued to be hope and celebration with the worship chosen and words shared, including this poem that my husband wrote.

I laughed with friends today, held hands with Ryan, cried and held my sister-in-law tight, went on a drive tonight with Ryan (and Toby), went to a baby shower for a dear friend whose little one we will meet in 4 short weeks and smiled as I thought about the newborn baby girl that will be one week old tomorrow whose fingers and toes and little nose were absolutely perfect when we met her last Sunday. Ecclesiastes 3. a time for everything under heaven.

i also picked myself more flowers.

legacy

Grandpa & Grandma 1950-1954
Grandpa & Grandma 2009
Easter Sunday 2009

These Sara Groves lyrics fully express my heart ("Generations")

Remind me of this with every decision
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know

To my great, great, great grand daughter
Live in peace
To my great, great, great grand son
Live in peace
To my great, great, great grand daughter
Live in peace
To my great, great, great grand son
Live in peace, oh, live in peace

Remind me of this with every decision
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know

The Wallace family 2006-present