the wonder of a week

Always amazed at the difference seven days can make in one's demeanor and outlook. It snuck up on me really, the reality of a gap between God and I. Once I sat down in church last Sunday, it became apparent in my spirit and the worship I was offering that I had forgotten, again. You see, I go through all of my normal days and weeks, offering prayers when I remember or think of it, reading when I want inspiration but I had once again missed the opportunity for the relationship part to be real.

If I have learned anything, it is that I can't go alone. Because I won't go anywhere. So I threw out an S.O.S. to Ryan in panicky words and tears, sharing my realization and asking for help. And as anti-climatic as it was, the reminders that he reverbiated back to me were more about confessions and moving forward and less about some major overhaul. It's when I live my faith by my emotions that I get all turned around and twisted but when I take one day at a time, I can breathe deeply and soak up the blessings around me. The week that followed felt a lot more livable, giving me space to recognize God again in my days instead of hurrying past Him.

And space to be thankful for the little things between the big ones. Such as:

-a dinner date with my grandparents tonight
-an upcoming cottage weekend with my love! (our favorite)
-the GIANT caramel & chocolate covered apple that Laura makes us every October as youth leaders. More than a few nights worth of night snacks for sure.
-Jodi's upcoming cooking demo where she is teaching us to make pasta & bread. There is hardly a thing I love more than pasta and bread.mmm.carbs. Michelle & I had so much fun at her first one back in February & I can't wait to learn some fun new kitchen tips!
-unexpected packages in the mail from sweet friends. I love mail!
-crazy warm October nights, which Toby can't seem to get enough of. Oh, and PS, I am just now realizing how many cell phone pictures we take of our dog now that we both have smart phones. I would say it is kind of embarrassing but I love it too much.

capacity

Sometimes I feel like I am on a high dosage of emotional speed. Like I'm high on my thoughts and emotions. And for the most part, I like that level of heightened senses and experiences and friendships and conversations. But sometimes I reach capacity and need to detox myself and give my mind a rest.

This past week was full of really normal days with normal things like work, and walking the dog, and small group but it was salted with conversations about forgiveness and redemption. And if I am honest, I am at square one. Or maybe square two but not far down the road except for my desire to walk it.
I need God's help on where to go from here as He has given us huge reason to believe that there may be reconciliation in my family. And as much as I want to hold onto my anger and confusion, I think, by grace and for grace's sake, I want to forgive more. This week my friend Allison looked me in the eye and said "It is ok that you are hurt and angry but is that worth missing the opportunity to have a front row seat to what miracles God may be doing?". And I really can't disagree with that.

So, my mind is at capacity, full of thoughts and lists and prayers and to-dos but I am going to take a lot of time this next week to get those things out on paper and with Ryan's help, process them with hope of moving forward through them. I think that is something else that has struck me deeply over the past 6 weeks; how my husband's protection and discernment has enforced boundaries and shields I didn't know or have the strength to put up. And for that I am really thankful. Soulfully thankful. It's amazing what a difference we each as husbands and wives can make in the walk our spouses have with the Lord.

So if I may ask you to pray with us as a family, as we step into a season of hopefulness that we did not anticipate and regardless of the outcome, are trying to trust God's larger plan.

Proverbs 16:9
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

counting my blessings

1) top on the list are these 3 flowers that a friend unexpectedly dropped off at the office yesterday with a little card with a cute birdie.

2) then came an email from a dear friend with this subject line:
Peace and this quote:
"It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

3) A mid-afternoon coffee date with a friend whose marriage is being restored and healed in powerful ways.

4) A 45 minute drive with my hubby to a family birthday party, great conversation

5) Last but not least, my dishwasher seems to be on the mend, I was washing by hand for about a week and a half and thankful when I come home that my sink isn't full.

What are you thankful for today?

grief is like a tsunami

tsunami (noun):
a series of water waves that is caused by the displacement of a large volume of a body of water, such as an ocean.

I have heard the phrase "grief is like an ocean" before and I think it is true but even more, I believe that grief is like a tsunami. Let me explain. I was at church recently, simply making a trip to the drinking fountain and passed through the courtyard where the remnants of the luncheon following a funeral were still set up. There they were, bouquets upon bouquets of flowers sent for the family, pictures of a loving mom and friend, notes and tissues and programs and punch. It was all there.

And I was still sad. Not just sad again, but another wave of sadness rushed over me about this and this and this wave of grief in the past year.

I think the initial pain of grief is like a tsunami, a wave of catastrophic proportions that rushes in without warning, ripping roots and creating confusion. And after the water receeds you are left with clean up and learning a new normal and from time to time, there is a ripple effect, little waves lapping in pools around your feet or sweeping you up. But it is not without hope.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 (ESV)
Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.

how to make your coffee cheaper and other useful things friends have taught me

as titled, you can always make an enjoyable beverage out of very little.

Exhibit A: my friend Kelli always made her own "lemonade" by ordering water with lemon and adding extra lemon and packets of sweetner. Talk about making lemonade out of lemons.
Exhibit B: Dunkin Donuts circa 2007 I believe. There was my Chicagoan friend, Emily ordering a simple cafe au lait I believe and adding her own little extra shots of milk and sugar. You could call it the "grad student latte".

Making something out of nothing. like keeping ribbons and scraps to use in creating cards and wrap gifts. My friend Lisa says "everything has potential" and she is a real artist, selling paintings and everything, so I trust her thoughts on potential.

I connect with that thought, making much out of not much at all and acquire great hope in believing it is true for us too. When we are not much at all, He rises up and uses us to be the hands & feet, participating in redemption. And I love that. So here are my scraps, my pieces, the buttons and the pearls. Make something useful Lord. Surprise me with the outcome.