a whole new world

I can't believe that 9 days have already passed and a week ago we were bringing our sweet baby girl home from the hospital. I haven't blogged, although there have been many hours between 3-5 a.m. that I could have but it seems almost too large to capture all of the emotions, changes, joys and blessings that have taken place in less than 10 days.

Hannah came in to our world a few days later than our original due date (May 16) but also a few days earlier than the doctor eventually thought she would. Believing that I would be later yet, I went with Molly to a girl's night in GR, in hopes to win some giveaways and have some good snacks. I got a whole lot more out of the deal! Just for fun I had gotten a foot massage with some focused pressure on "trigger" spots for labor but hadn't taken it too seriously.

When I got home we went on what Ryan declared the fastest walk I had ever taken, pregnant or not. It didn't occur to me at that time that the burst of energy I was feeling could be related to oncoming labor. It just felt like a good night for a walk and we got home and in bed at a relatively normal time. When I got up for probably the third time to go to the bathroom around midnight, my water broke, just like happens in the movies and I knew at that point that things were getting started. I woke Ryan up to tell him and he jumped in to action with me, calling the hospital to see what to do next. They gave us the advice to stick it out at home for awhile and poor Toby followed me around the house for the next 6 hours or so of contractions.

Per my request, we hit up McDonalds for a smoothie between deep breathing on the way to the hospital out of my fear that once I got in to more active labor, I wouldn't be able to eat. We were set up and in our room by 7 a.m. and although my contractions were closer together and harder, I was surprised to hear that not much was happening yet. Between Ryan's support, a few laps around the hall and trying to focus on the end result, the time went pretty quickly but I couldn't imagine going all day like that without progress. When the doctor gave the invitation for an epidural (my plan all along), I jumped at the opportunity and couldn't say enough nice things about the anesthesiologist. I told Ryan to "write him a check" because his work was invaluable, clearly I was a bit loopy by this point.

After that took place, the game changed incredibly. I was actually able to enjoy the process and focus on the fact that I was going to have this baby within the next 12 hours or so. A couple of times the doctor came back to check me and things were still not progressing to the point that he wanted them to. The biggest issue was that she was not dropping at all and he was pretty sure that she would not fit. We started to wonder around 3 or 4 p.m. if a c-section might be in order. He decided to come back one last time after his 5:00 workday ended and if I wasn't ready at that point, we would get ready for surgery. Ryan and I prayed at that time for peace with whatever happened and to be prepared for either outcome. Lo and behold, within a matter of an hour or so, things changed dramatically and when the doctor came back and told me I was at a 10 I was shocked and elated. The time had come!!

The next 45 minutes were some of the most amazing moments of my life, with Ryan by my side as my coach and an incredibly supportive and encouraging medical team, Hannah was born at 6:35 p.m. The emotions I had when I first saw her tiny nose and heard she was a girl were so overwhelming and beautiful. Something changed within both Ryan and I in that moment, knowing we were going to be parents to a daughter. I know I thought it was a boy all along but it just seemed 100% right when Ryan said "its a girl".



The past nine days since then have gone by in a blur of quiet moments, sharing her with friends, all kinds of firsts and learning more than I ever knew possible about love and our little family. Ryan has made this transition incredibly beautiful by doing all kinds of things to take care of his girls. I really don't know what I would do without him. As I right, he and Hannah are fast asleep on the couch, she on his chest and Toby by their feet. I can't wait to share more about her and the journey we are on as parents but until then, I will be soaking up these moments as the come.

still here

Wish I had a picture of what 40 weeks and 3 days looks like, feels like things continue to stretch and grow in ways I didn't know they could. Thankfully I am really not that uncomfortable yet during the day and have even felt pretty darn good most of the time. I'm excited each time I get to go to the doctor just to hear a heartbeat and hear a little bit more of where I am at. Wondering if will be 10 hours or 10 days. Realistically I know if nothing happens in the next week I will likely be induced so I keep just thinking I have to take it moment by moment. God has been really gracious in this whole process to me, I am so excited to meet this little one and not really thinking about much else at this point! We have felt so loved and supported this week with texts, facebook messages, emails, it has been awesome to know other people are almost as excited as we are.

For now I am continuing to fill the time with reading, hanging out and more walks. My darling hubby has made a great effort to make sure I am comfortable and entertained as he knows my mind is getting a bit bored. We went on our third "late date pre-baby" last night and I was so happy to have something to look forward to.

We headed to GR for dinner & a movie and a last minute spontaneous swing into Marie Catribs for their famous chocolate pudding that he has been raving about since trying it a few months ago with a friend. If you know Ryan, you know he loves beer and cheese more than sweets but I think have been rubbing off on him. It came in a simple little tin and until we unpacked it in the dimming lights of the movie theater (thank goodness for a large purse!) I had no idea what I was in for. Oh my goodness, it was like brownie batter in pudding form, not even legal. I really did wonder for a second if I should eat it because it was SO rich. I quickly got over that and dove right in.

I also went back earlier this week and finally finished the book I had committed to back in January, Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. Such a timely reminder of the need to look for grace in everyday life. I have a feeling that the upcoming blurred days will be filled with moment by moment living, something very outside of my norm. Starting my thankfulness journal again may be one of the only ways I capture the little quiet moments for a season. Besides taking one million pictures of course.

Finally, in a "I'm going to brag like an older sister should" moment, I'm proud of my little bro who has made the move to the big city of Chicago in the past few weeks to work for Groupon. If you haven't registered for their daily deals yet, shame on you, you are missing out! Don't fret though, you can still sign up. Anyways, E is going to be working with a team on the new Groupon NOW rollout that the Chicago Tribune explained today here. Very cool and a great opportunity to be part of something growing leaps and bounds. Speculations that they are going to have an IPO (going public with their stock) in the next year make it even more exciting to get in at ground level with them.

Nothing more from me this afternoon...feet up and watching the time go by.

a quiet week

Well, here I am, day two of my "retirement" as Ryan is calling this little window of time between working and baby. So far so good but I can see why people start to get anxious towards the end. The house is clean, the diapers are lined up and books are being read for FUN at this point!

I think if I can force myself to just wait patiently, I might really enjoy this week or however long I have until we meet this little one. The weekend started it off on a great note after my last day at work. Ryan picked me up an hour early and whisked me off to an unknown destination. He had planned a date night out to Grand Haven, more specifically the Kirby Grill House, which has always been a treat in my mind as far as places to eat. We spent a few hours walking around, looking at the little boutique stores and shared a late dinner complete with a mile high brownie sundae. Yum. I felt so loved that he planned this little outing for us, knowing that this summer will be the start of a whole new chapter.

The rest of the weekend was enjoyable as well, with a good mix of resting and doing fun things like a bonfire with the neighbors, dinner out with my parents and a visit to the park with friends. I think the reality of being done with work for now is starting to set it and I have to admit, it was a bit weird being downtown Holland yesterday without being in the office. Almost like it was a Saturday even though it definitely wasn't. I think this season is going to be one where I am a bit lost on what day of the week it really is for a while.

I did the annual necessary Tulip Time visit yesterday with friends & their kiddos and we had a great time debating which stand to get food from. I can tell you that "fatballs" were not in the running for my top choice. What are those anyways?! In the end, I choose a simple pulled pork sandwich and hand dipped ice cream bar from Froggy's. Can't be beat! The tulips were lovely as always and we went early enough in the day that we didn't have to fight the crowds which was a plus because right now small spaces don't agree with me. Or maybe I don't agree with them. Beth took a pic of me in front of the tulips which she reminded me "wasn't just of me". Here I am in my 39th week and counting:



A few other things I am looking forward to this week:
a pedicure tomorrow morning with Shallon
finishing my latest fictional read and maybe squeezing another in
dinner tomorrow night with friends
a Whitecaps baseball game later this week if the weather cooperates
SITTING ON THE COUCH, watch hulu and napping in between shows with my pup

I think that is it for now but it is good for me to see a list in front of me and to take heed to the advice of friends who have gone before who are saying "rest now" before you are living in a state of sleep deprived happiness and hormones. Trying my best to take that one to heart!

endings and beginnings

I just updated my profile on facebook (what better is there to do when you wake up 4:45 a.m., right?). I hadn't thought about doing it in advance but noticed that it displayed my work information from February 2005-present and I simply updated the end date to May 2011.

A post was then generated reading "Rebekah left her job at X (insert company name here)". It felt a little final to see it written like that, very cut and dry. I suppose it is and I truly am done after my 8-5 today; for now, until who knows when. Or what for that matter. As much as I really do love working, being part of a creative team and finding creative solutions, I think I am about to find that this isn't the end of my working. This is simply a transition into a whole new job title. One that doesn't have vacation days and bonus' that pay in dollar signs but one that grows and develops me in new, challenging and beautiful ways.

It has been a very interesting and fulfilling process sharing with some of my favorite clients that I won't be returning. It is meaningful to see the depth that I have developed over the past six years and to hear their encouragement towards stepping into the role of being at home for this season. It's also nice to know that my work has been appreciated, that I have somehow, in some small way, added value to their world in light of their finances. I never anticipated to be in the financial industry, discussing 401ks and wealth planning but I am so thankful for this time and what it has given me personally and professionally.

I kind of wonder where it will take me in the distant future, even in light of being able to share what I have learned with friends. I have found that finances and investing are a very intimidating and personal topic for so many people which means we avoid them with vigor. I would love to know that my experience could make it a little less scary for one or two of my friends to make wise stewardship decisions (insert plug to email me with any questions here).

All of that said, I'm happy to turn in my "worker bee" badge for awhile and venture into this unknown territory because it is the path I believe God has set out for me in this season. I don't know what to expect but as with anything, I hope I can take it one day at a time. Looking forward to my Friday at work, including the "farewell fiesta" my co-workers have so kindly organized. I hear there is going to be a major Mexican feast followed by ice cream cake so you know I'm there and Ryan is joining us for the festivities as well. More to come.

too busy to blog

What a week. I can tell this baby is growing by leaps and bounds these days because it seems all of my extra energies seem to be devoted to that effort and by the end of the day, I can't wait to see my bed. Even if that means 9:30 and macaroni for dinner because it is quick and sounds good.

This week I thought several times about the fact that I was too busy or to blessed to blog. Meaning that between work, meeting with students I love and the oh-so-sweet shower that my co-workers threw me, I didn't have much time to breathe in between. I have been thinking a lot about this transition, from what I know now about being an employee and part of a team to the role I am about to step into.

I haven't written really about it yet and some days am surprised myself how the next stage for me is playing out. All of that said, I have no doubt that the moment I begin life as a mom, I will be so thankful for the opportunity to be at home with my little one. It has been an interesting journey for me, from thinking I would work part-time to realizing that with all of the other changes going on in our world this fall and the desire I have to find balance in all of it, the best thing for we three (four with Toby in there) is for me to be at home.

The next month will be bittersweet for me because I love my job, the team I have been a part of for the past six years and the clients that we serve. I also know that once we make the move to Grand Rapids (Lord willing) I will be so glad I don't have to figure out how to balance childcare and driving and Ryan being at school. I don't want to miss in all of this that it is a priveledge and a blessing to find myself in this role and know that God knows so much more about the next few years than I do. I'm excited and a little nervous, hopeful and dreaming about the days.

Our due date is one month from today and according to the doctor, this little one isn't coming any time soon. We took a poll this week and my prediction is that we will meet he or she (still not telling names!) on May 22nd, that it will be a boy and that he will weigh over 8 lbs. Can't wait to see how close or how far off I am.

In house news, I am trying to be brave, to trust the plan and prepare for another open house. I think this is where the rubber meets the road and it is a chance to trust God but sometimes I have to fight my emotions that seem stronger than what I know is true. Add hormones in there and you really have something to talk about. Ryan has been so steady for me right now and I am really glad to know we are doing all of this together, moving toward what we know God is leading us in, whatever that looks like.

I did notice today that the tulips that always surprise me are popping up in the yard and every year, they are a reminder of God's faithfulness. Spring always comes and it always reassures me to have that reminder. One day at a time!

heavy-hearted and hopeful

Sometimes life comes at you in ways you don't expect and leaves you with multiple layers of emotion to process. This week has been one of those as the title of this post indicates. The last two days have been heavy-hearted in many senses as we lost a member of our extended family unexpectedly at the young age of 43. I don't think loss is EVER easy but it grief always feels deeper to me when it is mixed with elements of shock and tragedy.

Combine that with our plan to show the house today, about which I am hopeful, and you have a concoction of mixed emotion. All I can say is that I am thankful for Ryan's steadiness, a family that is coming together, God's word and deep breaths. And for timing, I can't forget to mention that thought because if all of this would have happened a year ago with the house, the joyful arrival of this little baby and life mixed in, I think it would have been a whole lot harder.

I have also been thinking a bit and have been asked by a few close friends about how I am feeling about potentially leaving this house that I love very soon. Maybe it will hit me harder than it has when the time actually comes and there are more sleepless nights mixed in but for now, I truly just know I have to take this one day at a time. I think the words that come to mind are "exchanges" and "better things". Let me explain. I am learning that it means more than a house could to have unity in our marriage with what we know God is doing. That the exchange of living here in order to live closer to the place that Ryan will spend 8-10 hours a day so we can have him around more is a worthy one.

I do LOVE this house, what it means to us, how it expresses us but somehow even having Christy take pictures here last week made me feel like it will be preserved in my mind and heart, that the season spent here will always be special to me. I can also say that continuing to read through the Old Testament (slowly but surely) has been a really big reminder to me of God's faithfulness towards His people then and now. Holding on to that today as this is the view outside my window:

a few more favorites

I keep looking at our pictures and feeling happy knowing that this time was captured so perfectly, in this house, and with images that reflect where we are right now. I can't say enough about Christy's kindness in blessing us by giving these pictures as a gift to welcome the next chapter in our life.


I love these next two because they capture our personalities when we are just at home goofing around with each other. Maybe it is because we don't have a tv or are just silly but it did seem pretty natural to just play with our two little wooden sheep that we got in Israel. On a more sentimental note, these little sheep are special to us because they are made from olive wood and were purchased in Bethlehem. They sit on our dresser and serve as a reminder to be faithful in walking the path God is calling us to.

moving forward

Yesterday felt like a big day.

In fact, many days right now feel kind of big as decisions are being made and major changes are nearing. For starters, within the past few weeks the conclusion has been made that I will be a full time at-home momma with this little one. I am thrilled about it and feel so incredibly blessed and also a bit surprised that this is how it has all played out. I was hopeful to have the decision made by March 1st for the sake of planning and for preparing my own emotions and heart either way. After many conversations sprinkled with prayer and perspective, it became clear on the last Friday in February that this was the right decision for us in this season.

I'm sure I will write or process more about it later but for now it just felt important to note on the list of "big things". The biggest thing, the yesterday thing, is that our house is officially ready for showing and as weird as it feels to write "for sale", it's time to get it on the market. At 7 1/2 months pregnant it hardly feels like time to do anything besides sit with my feet up and continue to eat oranges in bulk but in all honesty, we feel really confident and comfortable with continuing to move forward. We have NO idea if it will sell quickly, if we will be here for the summer or even for the next year.

I'm excited, nervous, curious, everything in-between, and forcing myself to take one day at a time. I would have never predicted everything that has happened to this point so I know I can't imagine what is next. I will have to take a picture of the pseudo nursery set up downstairs as I had my first shower last weekend and still needed some places to fold & refold cute little onesies, handmade items and lots of other fun tiny things. As the time nears, those things will find a real home but it felt important to have them presentable (yet accessible) for the listing process. *I can't wait to write more about the sweet shower and as soon as I have some pics, you better believe it will be chronicled here!

For now, here are some pics of Home Zweet Home:

it's saturday.

and for that I am very happy. Also thankful for another week at a job where I like the people and the clients we serve a whole lot. In a time where we are making several major transitional decisions for our little family, God has been so faithful and I can't help but almost cry thinking about that.

Here are just a few things that strike me today:
_a warm and cozy home
_the dog by my feet
_my hubby who was gone at a retreat this week (I missed him SO much)
_taking one day at a time and being surprised sometimes by the outcome
_good conversations with two of my favorite students this week
_the mcflurry that one of those conversations took place over
_the two women who were my discipleship class accountability partners and are becoming dear friends
_the music of the group Watermark, aka Christy Nockels, which always blesses me

I have not been digging into any more of Ann's book {One Thousand Gifts} but plan to in the next few weeks again now that our Monday night class is over and my brain has a little more space to really sit down with it. However, I emailed Zondervan after first blogging about it and they kindly sent me a copy to give to a friend through a giveaway on here. The very next day I got an email from a friend who I knew would be so blessed by it and without further thought, I put it in the mail to her. I was so happy to be able to do that and still want to honor my commitment to share about Ann's book on here. So there is my promise and my accountability.

What are you thankful for today?

spring in the air.

Not sure where the past week went but happy that it included increasing amounts of sunshine. The changing weather and the calendar made me realize that we are on the verge of springtime. The season in which we will have a baby seemed so far out when we heard the little heartbeat for the first time this fall and now here we are, on the edge of it. I got so excited realizing on Wednesday that our due date is only three months away. Which in my work life translates to one quarter and we know how fast 1Q 2010 is going.

Enough of the math, all I know is that amidst the many changes taking place, I am loving sharing this time with Ryan and dreaming about the next season. We have officially decided (or more like God decided for us), that he will be going to Calvin Seminary in the fall which is a big shift from our original thoughts and plans of him attending school in Holland. Somehow, within a matter of two months the plan has been re-routed and the fact that we have so much unity about it makes all of these unknowns bearable, even worth it. We are excited to see all of it play out and trying to focus on the next right thing rather than knowing where all of the pieces fall. Someone wise told Ryan last week that sometimes you have to throw all of the pieces up in the air and ask God to fit them together like a puzzle for whatever He has for you. I thought that was a good analogy and it has given me comfort and even excitement for this season which is VERY unlike me. In fact, I have had probably five people tell me how unlike me it is and I have to laugh because I thought I hid my control freak nature a little better than I had apparently.

So the next few months will include more nesting, more questions, upcoming showers which I am so excited about and watching where these puzzle pieces fall. One more thing that I love, which came at the perfect time, is sharing my creative friends & their ventures. Remember Maggie's cute little store in Nashville? Well we just got a new children's consignment boutique in our neck of the woods, owned by my friend Kristi & her sister. I met Kristi last spring on our Israel trip and this girl is as shining and sparkling on the inside as she is on the outside.


I have realized that life on a seminary budget may look a little different and love the option of second hand things that look like new. Their store is called Little Posh, cute, I know, and I am hoping to get out there in the next few weeks. Even dreaming about doing a little "girl's night out" shopping event there sometime this spring...more to come but for now, check them out here. Happy Friday and enjoy the sunshine!

seeking clarity

I love the way this picture, taken on our recent CA trip, displays so much detail of the elements in the foreground but leaves the rest somewhat blurry.

It is a pretty accurate picture of how I feel about my life right now. I know we are going to have this baby in 4 months about which I am so excited. I know that my husband will be seminary student which feels like the next right thing. But what lies between then and now and even after that seems a bit unknown in several ways. I am learning about clarity in the day and being ok with knowing less and trying to trust more.

Since the beginning of the year I have struggled to put words and lists to goals for the year, something I usually like to wrap my mind around as I look over a blank calendar, open with possibilities. We spent last weekend up north with the entire youth group staff, all 10 of us cozied up in a cabin big enough to spread out and share thoughts and perspectives. A big part of the weekend was looking at our strengths as part of the team building Ryan, Laura & I have been dreaming about. And something struck me. Most of my strengths lie in relationships, in developing others and sharing life with people. It became clear to me that my goals center around my relationships and everything else flows out of those goals.

It has also become quite clear to me that my contentment and planning for this baby have shifted due to the said unknowns. I haven't planned my dream nursery, in fact I haven't planned anything really yet and in some ways it has been freeing for me and other ways it has been terrifying to have zero control over this path. All I know is that right now I am finding clarity and contentment in taking one day at time. Let me rephrase that more accurately, I am fighting for clarity and contentment one day at a time.

God gave me this verse the other night which struck a chord with my heart right now:

Habakkuk 3:19
The sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights.

When we were in Israel we learned about praying that we would have feet for the path, rather than praying for a certain path. This verse took my mind and my heart back to that lesson.

Praying for feet for the path.

comings and goings

In retrospect, the last two days have been such good days. I mean that in the simplest of ways really as they were normal and included things like work and laundry, waking up in the middle of the night several times (insomnia already!?) and forcing myself to do something active.

What made them great though were the people I shared them with. Last night playing Mexican train dominoes over pizza & ice cream with hot fudge with two girl friends, this morning pancakes and coffee with Allison in the quiet of her kitchen, and tonight hosting friends with Ry for a simple meal of chicken tacos with lots of little bowls, my favorite kind of meal. I feel like I am starting to recognize the ways in which my efforts to make a quieter life for myself are paying off and the value of making choices I feel good about in regards to time spent with people and time spent alone. It seems like when life was barreling forward at higher speeds, I was able to see the blessings but not soak them in as freely as nights like these. I was always thinking of what was coming next and wasn't able to look backwards at the everyday moments that make up something that matters.

So tonight, what matters to me is that Katie and I sat at the table and got real, about things we are learning and things we are struggling to learn. And it matters that as I type, Ryan is sitting in the other room, sharing our home with a friend like we haven't in a while. I'm learning, again, that hospitality is less about our dishes and menus and more about allowing people to have space in our homes, to feel like they are welcome here and that they have an invitation to be where they are.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that the last two days, I was on the receiving end and the giving end and thankful for both.

happiness in a little red cup

Oh yes, it is that time of year, when Starbucks gives red cups and I surrender a cool $4.25 for a taste of gingerbread heaven. I had my first decaf latte today, and I have to say, it was actually really good. There is something about the tradition of holiday tastes that always leaves me feeling a big more satisfied.

I considered writing this week about the "h" word. No, I have not taken up a new habit of swearing but the hormones I have been experiencing in the past 7 days have taken me for a little bit of a loop. I'm thankful to be feeling human again as far as the ability to live on less than 12 hours of sleep a night and think that this is really all part of the journey. Part of my emotions are tied to all of the changes taking place right now, in my home, myself, our life together. We are on the brink of making some more decisions, which truly are not new ones but the timing of them seems to be coming together. So the little baby steps, like the new wood floors being placed in the kitchen not only thrill me but scare me a little bit about the possibility of moving and doing things to prepare our home for that.

We have talked more and more about moving to Holland over the past year or so and as it becomes more of a reality I go between wanting to cocoon myself and dreaming about making a new space our own. Ryan reminded me that either way, the wood floor will be lovely, for us or for someone else. He is also a mere 4 weeks away from finishing a degree that is a few years in the making and I am thrilled for him to have a break from being a student, to apply formally to grad school (seminary) and to start to move forward on the things he has wanted to do in this next season. What I realized is that I have to take things as they come and not let these days pass me by without taking note of all of the wonderful changes.

Including buying my first pair of maternity jeans. I'm sensing that I will thank myself Thanksgiving day when I can fully breathe while sitting down to that meal or more realistically, all day grazing on leftover turkey, pieces of pie and homemade mashed potatoes. I may be the only person who was ever happy about a smaller and more limited section to shop in but I really like the dark wash, straight leg ones that will soon be paired with some of my longer tops, layers and long necklaces.

I am also using this time to hone in on my writing as it has been out there for a little while now and continues to be really important to me. I am going to enter a writing contest, with a deadline and judges and everything and I don't want to put my eggs in one basket but instead, I want to use this as accountability to move forward with something that is important to me to do. So with that, I am back to it, to use the good vibes of this gingerbread latte in my hand to press on.

settling into the season

So I have resolved that it is ok that I am not blogging consistently right now, in fact I have put my writing in general on hold for a little snippet of time. I can't say it is because I have been too busy, more like the opposite that I am simply settling into the season of fall and the rhythm of long walks after work and turning in earlier, mimicking the shorter days. I know it will come back but right now I am just enjoying the quiet evenings without the clicking of the keyboard and savoring the last of the warm nights. However, I should learn to add some pics here and there if I am not blogging regularly. hmm. I will have to work on that.

I have been busy continuing to hole myself up with books and more books, managing to read a 300-400 page book every 10 days or so since we got home from vacation. I think this is a phase but it makes me feel better that I am doing something somewhat productive when I am ignoring chores around the house. I picked up "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett tonight because it was on the library express shelf and I have been looking for it and finding it only on wait lists for month.

I also am finding myself back in the kitchen at times, which always seems to happen this time of year. Quite possibly because comfort food tastes much better when I know I don't have to be in my bathing suit anytime soon. Tonight I made a throw back meal, channeling my childhood and one of my all time favorite recipes that my Mom made for us, spinach quiche.

It's easy and gooey and oh so good. As follows:
-bake a store bought pie crust for 20 minutes until it gets brown
-mix 6 eggs, a little milk, salt, a few drops of Worcestershire sauce (secret key)
-layer a package of defrosted & drained chopped spinach with 6 or 7 slices of swiss cheese and pour egg mix over the top.
-Bake at 350 for 40 minutes or until it sets & the top is brown

*here is the ticket- let it sit for 10 minutes or so and it will become a layered pie of cheesy goodness (including a little veggie serving or two for the day with the spinach in there).

I can happily say that Ryan LOVED it as well and between dinner tonight and our lunches tomorrow, we will have that whole pie finished off. Whoops. I may have just found a new staple in our house.

As far as Ryan goes, his fall has picked up which also may be contributing to my intense homebody tendencies, trying to balance out this full season for him and he is weeks away from finishing his degree. Which is amazing and so exciting to me since we first began this new season of student life back in the summer of 2009. I'm so proud of him, how hard he works to do good in his classes, be available to others and still have so much energy left to love me. I can't say I would be able to walk that road as well as he has and bless God that he is loving what he is learning in everyday life. He got to teach last night at our church and is blogging about it here.

so for now, that's all. a little update on my quiet corner of the world. And so you aren't complete worried about me becoming a house dweller, locking myself away for weeks and living on the pages of my books; I have also been to a hockey game, a handful of coffee dates, a new Mediterranean restaurant in Grand Rapids with friends, two showers and lots of youth group events in the past 3 weeks. Just choosing to reflect on the low key moments that I am loving.

the wonder of a week

Always amazed at the difference seven days can make in one's demeanor and outlook. It snuck up on me really, the reality of a gap between God and I. Once I sat down in church last Sunday, it became apparent in my spirit and the worship I was offering that I had forgotten, again. You see, I go through all of my normal days and weeks, offering prayers when I remember or think of it, reading when I want inspiration but I had once again missed the opportunity for the relationship part to be real.

If I have learned anything, it is that I can't go alone. Because I won't go anywhere. So I threw out an S.O.S. to Ryan in panicky words and tears, sharing my realization and asking for help. And as anti-climatic as it was, the reminders that he reverbiated back to me were more about confessions and moving forward and less about some major overhaul. It's when I live my faith by my emotions that I get all turned around and twisted but when I take one day at a time, I can breathe deeply and soak up the blessings around me. The week that followed felt a lot more livable, giving me space to recognize God again in my days instead of hurrying past Him.

And space to be thankful for the little things between the big ones. Such as:

-a dinner date with my grandparents tonight
-an upcoming cottage weekend with my love! (our favorite)
-the GIANT caramel & chocolate covered apple that Laura makes us every October as youth leaders. More than a few nights worth of night snacks for sure.
-Jodi's upcoming cooking demo where she is teaching us to make pasta & bread. There is hardly a thing I love more than pasta and bread.mmm.carbs. Michelle & I had so much fun at her first one back in February & I can't wait to learn some fun new kitchen tips!
-unexpected packages in the mail from sweet friends. I love mail!
-crazy warm October nights, which Toby can't seem to get enough of. Oh, and PS, I am just now realizing how many cell phone pictures we take of our dog now that we both have smart phones. I would say it is kind of embarrassing but I love it too much.

the break makes the beat

Confession: I take myself and my life way too seriously sometimes. I find myself wanting depth, depth, depth all the time and everywhere. But the truth is, we are meant to enjoy life in the small ways as well and this week I squared off with myself and looked straight in the eye my desire to lighten up a bit. This is all part of my recovery from the last season of walking through hard things and facing buried emotions in myself.

As has been a regular occurrence this summer, the summer internship we are running with 6 high school students has taught me and encouraged me and challenged my thought process in ways I didn't anticipate. Including this battle against only living in the deep end of life. Being with students who call "banana" every time they see a yellow car and challenge me to push ups before 9 a.m. don't often let me live in the deep end. But there are also portions of the internship, the teaching especially, that have given me perspective and growth and called me out in places that I need honesty.

This Friday was our final day together, after 8 weeks of relationships, growth, laughter and challenge. And I loved every second of it, easily one of the highlights of our (mine and Ryan's) summer. Part of what I have loved is the privilege of hearing perspective from leaders in the community and the wisdom from what they have learned along the way. I have felt so blessed by their own confessions, tears, and humility in sharing their stories.

This final day was no exception. We invited our friend Brad, who was also our teacher for our time in Israel to share some perspective. And after sitting under Brad's teaching for two weeks, I already was prepared to be encouraged. But what he shared was so timely and profound in a simple way that it spoke straight to where I find myself on so many days. He began with bringing out a drum and asking one of the students to play a few beats. One was fairly simple, the next more quickened and the final beat he played had pauses and variety. And quite naturally we all loved the third beat as it was enjoyable to listen to.

What made the beat was the pause, the break in between each tap of the drum that allowed the pronunciation of the sounds and the song being played. Brad shared that this is much like the beat of our own lives. When we drum away all of the time and don't give any space for a break, the rhythm in our lives is missing something as we pound away. Day after day, coffee dates and twitter feeds and facebook updates, spending time driving here and there, shopping for this and that. The rhythm of life.

To allow for pauses and breaks gives more meaning to the rhythm that our lives are making. What he was getting at is the idea of sabbath in our life, of creating rest and taking steps back. And it resonated with me as I engage in relationships and a career and marriage. All of those things that I want to focus on and create depth in. But sometimes the intensity with with which I bang my drums keeps me from that pause, to have time with my husband or to go for a long walk, to stay at home on a Friday night to read. Simple things yes, but I truly believe that Brad is onto something here and am I am thankful for the simple truths and encouraged to find more breaks in my beat.

Israel bound

the only thing standing between me and Galilee is 24 hours. And I simply cannot put into worlds the readiness and excitement we have to get our adventure started. Thankful that we are embarking together, that we found everything on the packing list and that God is here and there all the same. I think that is what I am actually most thankful for, that no matter how much my mind is filled and expanded, that my God is still the same faithful God when I am in Michigan as I He is while I experience Him in a new way in Israel.

things I am looking forward to most:
-- dusty feet, it means you are walking close the the rabbi
-- 2 weeks of walking one foot in front of the other, the way life is supposed to be when we are following hard after God in our every day life
--being with Ryan for 2 weeks straight with no interruptions on either of our parts
--unplugging from EVERYTHING but the land, the people I am with and my Bible/journal

to follow our journey, you can check it out at walkingthetext

thanks for your prayers and support, we feel so blessed and truly in awe of this opportunity and cannot wait to share all we learn when we return.

FW: Burned Biscuits

I was never any good at chain letters or postcards or recipe exchanges. And I suppose that my lack of love for email forwards just continued that pattern.
However, this morning as I drank my coffee, I took a rare opportunity to read this forward, "burned biscuits". The title could be interpreted in a number of different ways, I will let you run your own analysis on that one. Moving on. Reading it gave me a little bit of a deep breath towards some of the over analyzing taking place on many relational fronts in my life.

Without further ado, I give you...BURNED BISCUITS: (*author not credited because who knows who writes these things):

When I was a kid, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work.

On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school.. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: "Honey, I love burned biscuits."

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"

Life is full of imperfect things.....and imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. But what I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others faults - and choosing to celebrate each others differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

And that's my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn't a deal-breaker!We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship!


So Please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burnt one will do just fine.

the end.

oh boy, this might be a long one

I have been feeling a bit melancholy this week. I think the reality of the emotional roller coaster of past few months has started to set in and I feel a bit tired even physically from carrying it around in my mind. I read a quote today from Shauna Niequist's new book, Bittersweet (Kate, I know you can't wait either!) and it gave legs to the thoughts running around in my head:

When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate, and when life is bitter, say thank you and grow.‘

The only bitter taste in my mouth might be mine. I have experienced the depth of forgiveness, both mind and others, through really specific and hard passages in John 8 and Luke 17 in the past month. I now feel like I am on the brink or maybe deep in (who can see out right now?) part 2 of this process of surrender in my own life as I feel the control I once thought I had is being pulled from my sometimes clenched, sometimes wide open hands. So as easy as it is for me to live in the day with flowers on my table these things are also there.

As for the flowers on my table, here they are:


Other things bringing sunshine:

-the music of JJ Heller, especially this song called "Your Hands".


-T minus 15 days until Israel. Unbelievable and I really don't know where February and March went. Either way, Stacie and I went on a gear shopping trip today and I am so thankful for her help because the world of Camelbak and hiking shorts and Smartwool socks is a foreign one to me. I never knew I could experience sock lust but there was definitely an everyday pair that got me pretty tempted this afternoon! I may have to dedicate a entire post to the world of gear in the near future.

-I have been doing a lot of dishes by hand again lately. I can't figure out why I haven't called the appliance people yet but as a result, I have made my way through almost the entire audio book of "The Prodigal God" by Tim Keller. This is the smartest way to "read" a book that I have never done before but this particular book is one where I wish I had a pen and paper taking notes and may have to listen to again to do so. It is all about how the story of the prodigal son is really about the elder brother as much as it is the younger prodigal in the story. Amazing ties to the cultural context that Jesus was telling the parable in and he is blowing my mind with the ties to the feast that Jesus is inviting us to as His prodigal sons and daughters, as well as the way that we are commanded to live now, not as either of the sons (wayward or self-righteous). I could say so much more but encourage you to read or listen to it yourself.

One more thing. We went to dinner last night with my grandparents and there was a moment in the evening when I felt like I was watching pieces of when Harry Met Sally. Not the scenes where they talk about pecan pie or fight about the wagon wheel but when they show clips of older couples telling their stories. If you don't know what I am talking about, you can watch it here. It was a moment worth capturing on film.

capacity

Sometimes I feel like I am on a high dosage of emotional speed. Like I'm high on my thoughts and emotions. And for the most part, I like that level of heightened senses and experiences and friendships and conversations. But sometimes I reach capacity and need to detox myself and give my mind a rest.

This past week was full of really normal days with normal things like work, and walking the dog, and small group but it was salted with conversations about forgiveness and redemption. And if I am honest, I am at square one. Or maybe square two but not far down the road except for my desire to walk it.
I need God's help on where to go from here as He has given us huge reason to believe that there may be reconciliation in my family. And as much as I want to hold onto my anger and confusion, I think, by grace and for grace's sake, I want to forgive more. This week my friend Allison looked me in the eye and said "It is ok that you are hurt and angry but is that worth missing the opportunity to have a front row seat to what miracles God may be doing?". And I really can't disagree with that.

So, my mind is at capacity, full of thoughts and lists and prayers and to-dos but I am going to take a lot of time this next week to get those things out on paper and with Ryan's help, process them with hope of moving forward through them. I think that is something else that has struck me deeply over the past 6 weeks; how my husband's protection and discernment has enforced boundaries and shields I didn't know or have the strength to put up. And for that I am really thankful. Soulfully thankful. It's amazing what a difference we each as husbands and wives can make in the walk our spouses have with the Lord.

So if I may ask you to pray with us as a family, as we step into a season of hopefulness that we did not anticipate and regardless of the outcome, are trying to trust God's larger plan.

Proverbs 16:9
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."