heavy-hearted and hopeful

Sometimes life comes at you in ways you don't expect and leaves you with multiple layers of emotion to process. This week has been one of those as the title of this post indicates. The last two days have been heavy-hearted in many senses as we lost a member of our extended family unexpectedly at the young age of 43. I don't think loss is EVER easy but it grief always feels deeper to me when it is mixed with elements of shock and tragedy.

Combine that with our plan to show the house today, about which I am hopeful, and you have a concoction of mixed emotion. All I can say is that I am thankful for Ryan's steadiness, a family that is coming together, God's word and deep breaths. And for timing, I can't forget to mention that thought because if all of this would have happened a year ago with the house, the joyful arrival of this little baby and life mixed in, I think it would have been a whole lot harder.

I have also been thinking a bit and have been asked by a few close friends about how I am feeling about potentially leaving this house that I love very soon. Maybe it will hit me harder than it has when the time actually comes and there are more sleepless nights mixed in but for now, I truly just know I have to take this one day at a time. I think the words that come to mind are "exchanges" and "better things". Let me explain. I am learning that it means more than a house could to have unity in our marriage with what we know God is doing. That the exchange of living here in order to live closer to the place that Ryan will spend 8-10 hours a day so we can have him around more is a worthy one.

I do LOVE this house, what it means to us, how it expresses us but somehow even having Christy take pictures here last week made me feel like it will be preserved in my mind and heart, that the season spent here will always be special to me. I can also say that continuing to read through the Old Testament (slowly but surely) has been a really big reminder to me of God's faithfulness towards His people then and now. Holding on to that today as this is the view outside my window:

California 2011

A week with my best friend and my heart is full to the brim.
This trip was nothing short of celebratory as Ryan finished his degree from Moody at the end of December and we find ourselves dreaming about all this new year will hold, like becoming parents to this ever growing bundle:


We had such a great time exploring the cities and coastlines, laughing and talking, eating amazing meals and seeing new sites. Ryan really made it special for me by planning lots of little surprises along the way and for the first time, this type A girl completely reveled in the unknown. Here are a few of my favorite adventures from the week as they unfolded.

Driving along the coastline of Highway 1:







Spending three three days in a place where we could start and end the days with walks on the beach; filling the moments in between with lazy cups of tea and conversation:



And the city. We have both always loved the city and neither of us had been to San Francisco before so we rode every mode of transportation possible (except maybe a segway). We walked up and down the historic streets, visited the modern parts of town, saw a show at Berkeley, jumped on and off the trolley & had the best bowl of clam chowder ever at Fisherman's Wharf:





We also learned that Alcatraz wasn't as completely desolate and dark as we thought. There is some inspiring conservation and sustainability work going on there that made our tour so much fuller:





It felt like the new year was on hold for a week being away and now the next little bit of life is starting to unfold with decisions to be made, a nursery to dream about and days to enjoy but I have a feeling that we will always be thankful for California!

sometimes a song comes along

And it says so much about something meaningful. I don't know much about the artist Andrew Peterson, but I love this new song of his "Dancing in the Minefields". It is about marriage and beautiful describes the tenderness of how vulnerable marriage is and how Christ's promises and love for us are the things allowing our marriages to survive life's minefields and flourish.

I have been thinking a bit lately on what it means to be married 5 years. I am always proud to be connected with my husband and as we continue to progress on life's journey together I find myself realizing just what a gem he is. Sometimes it's hard, being a person with strong convictions and independence, being paired with someone with equal and vocal convictions. It used to be a lot easier to do our own thing, side-by-side. But we are learning, year by year, to respect one another's growth and process and asking God to intertwine those thing so we are less side-by-side and more interwoven. It seems especially important right now, as we pray through the decisions of the days and school visits and prepare things to share with the youth group students we hang out with, and as he has opportunities to teach. So I leave you with this, the video and the lyrics and hope you are blessed by it as well!




Well I was 19 you were 21
The year we got engaged
Everyone said we were much to young
But we did it anyway
We got the rings for 40 each from a pawnshop down the road
We said our vows and took the leap now 15 years ago

Chorus:
We went dancing in the minefields
We went sailing in the storm
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that’s what the promise was for

Well ‘I do’ are the two most famous last words
The beginning of the end
But to lose your life for another I’ve heard is a good place to begin
Cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down
And I believe it’s an easy price for the life that we have found

Chorus:
And we’re dancing in the minefields
We’re went sailing in the storm
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that’s what the promise was for
That’s what the promise is for

Bridge:
So when I lose my way, find me
When I lose loves chains, bind me
At the end of all my faith
to the end of all my days
when I forget my name, remind me

Cause we bear the light of the son of man
So there’s nothing left to fear
So I’ll walk with you in the shadow lands
Till the shadows disappear
Cause he promised not to leave us
And his promises are true
So in the face of this chaos baby
I can dance with you

Chorus:
So lets go dancing in the minefields
Lets go sailing in the storms
Oh lets go dancing in the minefields
And kicking down the doors
Oh lets go dancing in the minefields
And sailing in the storms
Oh this is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that’s what the promise if for
That’s what the promise is for

riding in tandem

Remember when I said I rode a tandem bike for the first time this week? Well I wanted to write about it but Ryan beat me too and when he finished reading it to me I decided he said everything I wanted to. So here it is, a guest post from my hubby (more of his writing can be found here as well.)-enjoy

tandem

As my wife and I were sitting outside the other day sipping coffee on our friend's porch, they suddenly had this great idea..."We think you and Bekah need to do a little marriage counseling!" Obviously, I was a bit skeptical since Bekah and I have been married for over 5 years, and probably would have been offended had I not understood the randomness of these amazing people. So, Bekah and I proceeded to agree to their little "counseling session." They told us to put our shoes on and come around the back of the house. When we got there, we found a black bike with two seats, two handle bars, which included one challenge. Bekah and I accepted this challenge, their "counseling" session.

As we hopped on the bike it was clear why our friends called it marriage counseling. I was in the front, and obviously that person is in charge of steering the bike. This is a big responsibility that neither people think about before hopping on. As we came to our first corner I started to go left. However, I did not warn Bekah of this and she proceeded to jerk her handle bars back and forth making it very difficult for us to turn left. We just about crashed on the pavement, and by only God's help did we make that corner. Immediately Bekah wanted off the bike. It was scary, she had no control, and she didn't want to crash. I suggested that we work together at the next corner and assured her that it would go smoothly. Approaching the next corner I proceeded to tell Bekah what direction we were turning and verbally walked us through the process as we were doing it. It worked great, and corner after corner it became easier and easier. By the end we really enjoyed the ride and were glad we did it.

Our friends were right on it being a perfect tool for marriage counseling. 5 years ago we would have crashed. Bekah would have sat there crying as I pointed and yelled at her for not turning the same direction I did. It made me happy to see that we've come a long way over the years. We were able to communicate through the difficulties of a new challenge. She was able to trust me that things were going to go smoother as long as we communicated. Who would have thought that so much truth and encouragement could be found riding in tandem.

what works for you

I send my husband emails. frequently. they serve as our reminders back and forth of errands to run, plans to make, even sometimes discussion topics on days when we won't see one another much. And I used to feel bad about it in a way, like it was akin to sending IMs back and forth with someone in the same room.

But today I was sharing something about that with my co-worker and she smiled and said "but it works for you guys." And she is right. It does work for us, our 21st century relationship and the dynamics of tech-savvy marriage. And at the end of the day, I truly feel like we have open communication and face-to-face connection so I have no reason to dislike our system.

It seems like the longer we are married and go through different seasons of life together, the more I realize I cannot compare our marriage to anyone else's with honest scales. Not because theirs is better or ours is better but because you have to do what works for you and they have to do what works for them.

I think it is so easy in life to look around at what people are involved with, the way they make decisions or spend their money or discuss important issues and see things from our perspective. But sometimes I need someone to remind me that I'm good with the way things work for us, and that is what matters most.

ezer kenegdo: existing in the tension

I always knew I wanted to marry Ryan when he challenged me. I still remember reading the engagement card Bethany gave me and how she noted the way we challenged one another. It always made me feel loved to know that someone cared enough to tell me the truth and Allison told me that is how she knew Ryan was the one for me.

That tension exists still today in our marriage and something we learned in Israel has really stuck with me. We talked about how deep and healthy relationships have ezer kenegdo. Imagine 2 people walking face to face with their palms pressed up against one another and leaning into one another with their full weight. It's like walking a tight rope as a pair, there has to be tension moving you forward. Ezer (the deep love and commitment part) and kenegdo (pushing one another forward)--otherwise translated as "helper", explains this tension.

Our marriage will always have this hard pull in it. We are so different from one another in almost every possible way but it is the commitment we have to one another and the tension that it creates which forces us to discuss, debate, and ultimately move forward. So bless God for ezer kenegdo because it is forcing me to love and to change.

26 things you were dying to know.

I have been kind of missing my hubby this week since our date night. Between me not feeling too hot and all of life going on, that date feels like alot longer ago than last Wednesday. So here I am, thinking about him :) Enjoy!

1.Who is your man? Ryan Scott Wallace
2. How long have you been together? 8 1/2 years total, 4 1/2 married.
3. How long dated? 4 years
4. How old is your man? 26
5. Who eats more? Probably me, I try to do the 3 meals plus snacks thing...he forgets lunch sometimes
6. Who said "I love you" first? He did but I think we knew in our hearts the same summer...I was just scared to say it
7. Who is taller? Ryan by a handful of inches
8. Who sings better? Ryan is actually a really good singer, he has a wide range and I love singing next to him in church cause it covers up me. I'm not bad but I'm not good either.
9. Who is smarter? We got the same grades in high school but I had to work harder at them than he did. Plus now he is kicking my tail with his college grades! Although he doesn't have Handy Andy and a floor of 40 friends to distract him.
10. Whose temper is worse? Hm. Mine is quicker to flare and it takes alot for him to get angry but I think his anger is deeper when he is mad.
11. Who does the laundry? I do because I think it is therapeutic and am super particular with lots of pieces of clothing
12. Who takes out the garbage? whoever remembers
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I think we have switched since moving our room to main floor because I like to sleep against the wall. But I also get up first so that means I always have to crawl over him.
14. Who pays the bills? I do. Or better yet, online bill pay does.
15. Who is better with the computer? haha. trick question?! Ryan is genius with the computer. Although at work I usually can keep up with others.
16. Who mows the lawn? the high school boy that lives next door; just keeping the economy moving. I think we were designed for condo living.
17. Who cooks dinner? me! Which ranges from a full dinner to pizza in the oven. We are not always home at dinner time due to working out, social stuff, my uppercase parties, but I think someday when we have a family I will love dinner time.
18. Who drives when you are together? Ryan always. Sometimes I offer on long trips but that lasts about an hour usually
19. Who pays when you go out? Seems like Ry usually does out of habit unless I have cash on me. It is all from the same place anyways.
20. Who is most stubborn? it's a tie
21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? We're both pretty equal on this. I think he's better at it though.
22. Whose parents do you see the most? It seems to fluctuate, I see and talk to my mom alot, we go to his mom's sometimes on Sunday for dinner. Both of our dads are a couple of hours away.
23. Who kissed who first? I think I kissed him? Pretty sure he kissed me back. :)
24. Who asked who out? He did; as friends really but we went to dinner quite a few times before we were dating
25. Who proposed? Ryan, on Navy Pier in January of my senior year. It was cold but so us because we have so many great memories in Chicago.
26. Who is more sensitive? Me to the small daily things and him to large matters in life (and stray dogs--we have probably rescued 5-6 and found their owners).

ok. your turn! Don't make me beg!