it's saturday.

and for that I am very happy. Also thankful for another week at a job where I like the people and the clients we serve a whole lot. In a time where we are making several major transitional decisions for our little family, God has been so faithful and I can't help but almost cry thinking about that.

Here are just a few things that strike me today:
_a warm and cozy home
_the dog by my feet
_my hubby who was gone at a retreat this week (I missed him SO much)
_taking one day at a time and being surprised sometimes by the outcome
_good conversations with two of my favorite students this week
_the mcflurry that one of those conversations took place over
_the two women who were my discipleship class accountability partners and are becoming dear friends
_the music of the group Watermark, aka Christy Nockels, which always blesses me

I have not been digging into any more of Ann's book {One Thousand Gifts} but plan to in the next few weeks again now that our Monday night class is over and my brain has a little more space to really sit down with it. However, I emailed Zondervan after first blogging about it and they kindly sent me a copy to give to a friend through a giveaway on here. The very next day I got an email from a friend who I knew would be so blessed by it and without further thought, I put it in the mail to her. I was so happy to be able to do that and still want to honor my commitment to share about Ann's book on here. So there is my promise and my accountability.

What are you thankful for today?

seeking clarity

I love the way this picture, taken on our recent CA trip, displays so much detail of the elements in the foreground but leaves the rest somewhat blurry.

It is a pretty accurate picture of how I feel about my life right now. I know we are going to have this baby in 4 months about which I am so excited. I know that my husband will be seminary student which feels like the next right thing. But what lies between then and now and even after that seems a bit unknown in several ways. I am learning about clarity in the day and being ok with knowing less and trying to trust more.

Since the beginning of the year I have struggled to put words and lists to goals for the year, something I usually like to wrap my mind around as I look over a blank calendar, open with possibilities. We spent last weekend up north with the entire youth group staff, all 10 of us cozied up in a cabin big enough to spread out and share thoughts and perspectives. A big part of the weekend was looking at our strengths as part of the team building Ryan, Laura & I have been dreaming about. And something struck me. Most of my strengths lie in relationships, in developing others and sharing life with people. It became clear to me that my goals center around my relationships and everything else flows out of those goals.

It has also become quite clear to me that my contentment and planning for this baby have shifted due to the said unknowns. I haven't planned my dream nursery, in fact I haven't planned anything really yet and in some ways it has been freeing for me and other ways it has been terrifying to have zero control over this path. All I know is that right now I am finding clarity and contentment in taking one day at time. Let me rephrase that more accurately, I am fighting for clarity and contentment one day at a time.

God gave me this verse the other night which struck a chord with my heart right now:

Habakkuk 3:19
The sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights.

When we were in Israel we learned about praying that we would have feet for the path, rather than praying for a certain path. This verse took my mind and my heart back to that lesson.

Praying for feet for the path.

And a partridge in a pear tree...

(image taken from here)

I know the song is the 12 days of Christmas and we are 10 days out from the day itself but this song has been on my mind ever since I lost the final Jeopardy question for our youth group team last Sunday night. I couldn't remember how many maids-a-milk, swans-a-swimming or any other thing besides the partridge, lucky bird. (here is the list if you need a refresher yourself).

So in order to redeem my caroling status and to share some thoughts, I thought I might share 12 out of the ordinary type gifts that I have been reflecting on. It all started with Ryan's post earlier this week about struggling well with the balance of what Christmas should look like (I especially like his conclusion about mistletoe). But more seriously, I do think it is important to take a moment or two to keep our perspective about the shopping, the decorations and busyness. Or as my favorite author tweeted this week:
"My grown-up thought for today: If this season feels crowded/frantic/shallow, my choices allowed that to happen. And I can make changes."-Shauna Niequist

With those thoughts, I give you my 12 gifts of Christmas list, thinking outside of the box about what we can give others this year.

1. grace. after all, His mercies are new every morning.

2. the benefit of the doubt. Who knew that the Subway girl today making my toasted tuna with honey mustard with the sleeve tattoos was going to be so polite and awesome?!

3. a second chance. if you believe a relationship or situation is worthwhile, give it your all and allow it surprise you.

4. hope. whether it be to pursue a dream or just to keep going another day, let's not hold back from giving one another the gift of hoping even in dark times.

5. your words. in written form by poem, letter or song, tell someone how you cherish them or what they do that you appreciate everyday.

6. a good book with a personalized note. I love when someone takes the time to think about what I might enjoy or believes in something they have read so much that they want to share it. That book for me this year was The Same Kind of Different as Me by Ron Hall & Denver Moore.

7. Your time. Carve out an afternoon for coffee & window shopping, a dinner in cooking together or breakfast at your favorite cafe. I know it is old school but I love the idea of receiving a "coupon" for a date with someone I love spending time with.

8. tickets to an event you know they would enjoy & free babysitting for the night if they have little ones.

9. A gift in their honor to an organization you know they believe in. Erich & Ryan decided that the three of us would do this for our gifts to one another this year and I love them for it. I can't take any credit but have a few ideas about organizations I believe are making an impact:
Kids Food Basket in Grand Rapids, providing meals to kids who otherwise don't have consistent food.
Under the Fig Tree, an organization our friend Brad is a part of that equips leaders and continues to walk with people on their faith journey.
There are SO many more, choose one that blesses the person you are gifting and I know they will be so touched to know that instead of giving them a new scarf from the Gap, you gave someone a meal.

10. a homemade gift. It can be a set of glass ornaments that you fill with something fun, a stack of homemade stationary tied with a ribbon or whatever your specialty is but a homemade gift always shows the time and energy you were willing to put into something.

11. A photo book from Shutterfly, Snapfish, whatever online photo site you prefer. So many of us take so many digital photos and never take the time to print them out into a form we can enjoy them in. You may have to get sneaky on this one to upload your loved ones' photos or you may have some but I think everyone enjoys preserved memories of a cherished family vacation, a wedding, a new baby or just a year in review.

12. And finally, a partridge in a pear tree. I had to add that one!

I hope you are finding yourself encouraged in this season amidst the parties and holly and even stealing a moment under the mistletoe- a gift to both involved!

I didn't mean to stay away...

But somehow writing forces me to be honest. And to be honest, there wasn't a whole lot I wanted to write about for the better part of the week because I didn't like my attitude and couldn't see around it. It snuck up on me in the beginnings of my favorite season, when leaves become crunchy and hoodies abound- how dare it?

But that is the way struggle and envy work, I think that they sneak in quietly and then before we know it, we feel a bit entangled. I started to lacking joy because I was seeing life through jealous eyes. I had to go back to what I know works- sharing my emotions with others, asking for prayer and constantly repeating through my head this Proverb:
" a heart at peace gives life to the body but envy rots the bones". Proverbs 14:30

I won't get into specifics but this is something that I know I feed at times and fight at others and I want to get better at fighting it. Or better yet ask God to help me fight it by seeing the blessings in front of me and taking the attention off of myself. I was talking about it with two friends last night and we wondered aloud if we might be experiencing this at 80 years old. Envying the way our friends hips still move or if they can get around in their walkers better than we can. That made it better, giving us something to giggle about but at the heart of it, I hope we aren't still stuck as women in comparing ourselves for value.

I have to believe somewhere along the way we make the decision to daily find our value in deeper things and not what we can do or be. Praying for the strength to have that maturity sooner rather than later in my life. I have no idea what God is calling me to in the future but I do know that I would be sad to look back and see that insecurity kept me from hearing or acting on His call. Thanks for letting this be a place where I can be honest. I hope that you are encouraged today knowing you are not alone and reminded of the truth that you are beautiful just as you are.

inspirational reminder at the top from this etsy shop

what works for you

I send my husband emails. frequently. they serve as our reminders back and forth of errands to run, plans to make, even sometimes discussion topics on days when we won't see one another much. And I used to feel bad about it in a way, like it was akin to sending IMs back and forth with someone in the same room.

But today I was sharing something about that with my co-worker and she smiled and said "but it works for you guys." And she is right. It does work for us, our 21st century relationship and the dynamics of tech-savvy marriage. And at the end of the day, I truly feel like we have open communication and face-to-face connection so I have no reason to dislike our system.

It seems like the longer we are married and go through different seasons of life together, the more I realize I cannot compare our marriage to anyone else's with honest scales. Not because theirs is better or ours is better but because you have to do what works for you and they have to do what works for them.

I think it is so easy in life to look around at what people are involved with, the way they make decisions or spend their money or discuss important issues and see things from our perspective. But sometimes I need someone to remind me that I'm good with the way things work for us, and that is what matters most.