both/and

As much as I hesitate to write about things that are negative, I was recently reminded that life is not meant to be lived without the support of friends. That said, I need to process something that happened this week. I haven't talked about it or thought about it much since it happened, but in that moment it felt like an eternity, dragging on and pulling me along with it.

Over the past 6 months or so, I have been really breaking free of my addiction to running and consuming thoughts about controlling what I eat or don't eat, how much I exercise, etc. And let me just say that giving something up like that at first, feels like a free fall, exhilarating and terrifying at the same time, like you don't know if you will be able to catch yourself. But I have and I am gaining alot of steadiness in that area of my life, with the help of God and prayer and confession. And community. I am gradually learning in my life that my community needs to be part of my confession and struggle, not just my joy and others prayer requests, but mine as well.

All of that said, this week I had an intense "both/and" experience. Let me unpack that a little. I had a girl who is a stylist at a "chic-y" salon in Grand Rapids who was ordering some Uppercase Living and I drove out there to meet up with her between clients. From the moment I entered the spa she works at, I felt an overwhelming struggle going on inside of me. I know alot of wonderful girls who are stylists who are warm and open, but let me tell you, none of the girls in this salon were any of that. I felt an enormous lump of jealousy building in my chest over their perfectly matched designer outfits complete with fashionable heels, the newest accessories, all hairs in place, makeup perfectly shaded. And I felt like as I sat in the waiting room and waited and waited, they were unpacking me as well.

And I plain felt like I didn't measure up. I felt both inferior and superior at the same time to them (the "both/and" complex). I felt inferior by everything I just wrote but I felt a sense of superiority, knowing that I am not living my life based on my merits of beauty. Please friends, don't hear me saying that I need an ego boost or kind affirmation. I just need to be real about the struggle that goes on between women. My friend Brandi & I were talking just a few days before this incident and we decided that women operate on the point's system:

"My hair is cuter than hers" 1 point for me
"Her jeans are smaller than mine" 2 points for her
"My home is decorated better than hers" 1 point for me

You get the picture. And in those moments, it made me really sad that I was feeling myself playing that game. I feel better already, putting it out there and am thankful for each of you women in my life who don't keep track of points, but affirm Godliness and grace, knowing that those things truly are beautiful.

my own red door

I had the best surprise waiting for me today after I got home from work. My very own red door. I love our home, I truly do but lately I have started to have itches to re-decorate and make updates. I think my internal "we have had things the same for awhile now" clock ticks away about once a quarter and this time Ryan helped fill my need for change without me asking; even better!

All that to say, as I pulled in, he was in the process of painting our shutters black & our door a barn red that I LOVE and am thrilled with. I have always felt like the exterior didn't represent us but once you are inside, the spaces speak of us so it wasn't as big of a deal. The best part was that we haven't really talked about it or looked at paint, he just knew. and I liked that. alot.

Now to figure out the perfect expression to decorate with! He suggested white wording and I think this one is pretty darn cute although likely a wreath or something funky in place of the bouquet!


In other door news, I decided to keep the old antique cellar door I created for now & set it up in the living room (another one of those "needing change" moments. I think I can make the most of this new creative endeavor by trying pieces out in my house before I sell them. Don't worry, you won't be stuck reading a novel on my walls next time you come over, Ryan won't that happen!

weekend update

The adventures keep on keepin on and as much as I love summer, I can officially say that my inner homebody self is screaming out for some more time around Zeeland, especially on the weekends.

We are still really loving having Russell around; he is such a great kid and brings alot of life to our house. He got to join us in an annual family tradition...Danish Festival! For the past 26 years I have not missed it once, and my family has been literally sitting on the same corner to watch this parade for the 45 years that it has existed. I asked Russell what he thought since it was his first time and without missing a beat he said "those Danes are really something."

Here are a few pics of the day @ the parade and then our annual family party afterwards to celebrate my parent's birthdays which are both in late August.

finding constants

I look around my house this morning as we get ready to leave for church and instead of the seeing the disarray of the past 4 days and leftovers, pops cans and just plain stuff, I am choosing to see the adventures we had. And for someone like me, that takes some effort.

In my mind, I live my life most happily when everything has a place. But I am realizing that I can live happily without everything being in that place at every second. Or atleast I am trying to realize that. Ryan's 16 year old brother is staying with us for the week and we are creating all kinds of adventures and memories with him because he really doesn't have freedom at home to be a kid. So instead of doing dishes, we are taking walks and having cookouts and staying up late watching movies. And I am trying hard to be present. I would hate to think I missed out on life because I had to wash my comforter, I mean, really.

blueberry shortcake for breakfast

this morning when I woke up and started to make my regular breakfast of oatmeal & 2 eggs, sunny side up. Everything was already cooking away when I noticed the last piece of angel food cake sitting quietly on the counter and in a split second, the regularity of oatmeal was pushed to the side & out came the cool whip & blueberries.

I know it is just breakfast but it felt like a decision to live in the day, to enjoy the small things and to stop thinking so hard all of the time. Here is to a blueberry shortcake day with cool whip on top!

Sunday night goodness

what a refreshing weekend; bookended by good times with new friends including a bonfire on Friday night @ the Davidson's (who are going to have their 3rd child tomorrow morning and still invited us over)! And then tonight an impromptu spaghetti dinner with our new friend Laura from EGM. Sandwiched in the middle of those 2 things was a great Saturday spent at home with the exception of a trip with my boys to the dog park.

I wanted to make sure and hold to my word with my blogging for books giveaway! Thanks for all of the great feedback, so reassuring to know others experience the same joys & struggles. Janna is the lucky winner of this one but stay tuned, there will be more coming this fall!

I'm thinking about friends this morning as I catch up on other's writings and realizing how many spheres of people I love are out there. It feels like a chart of circles, one that has many circles that cross over one another, a venn diagram I believe it is called. Except instead of 3 layers it has multiple layers and with depth and thicker strands at many points. Which has always felt like a gift to me but lately has overwhelmed me at times. Not knowing where to focus my energy and give my heart.

I was reminded recently that because we are created in the Image of a triune God, community is something that is inherent in us. There is community in the Godhead, so there is a longing for community in me. So I am going to keep digging in, pushing through my questions about where I fit and where I should serve and how deeply I want to love. Because I think it is pushing me to love God more and ask Him how to be transparent and abandon my sometimes pursuit through life as Little Miss Independent.

still wanting to hear from more of you on your insight on women's friendships...see the post below for details and lay it all out there!

book giveaway!

I just joined a Random House book blog club recently and am reading the above "The Friends We Keep" by Sarah Zacharais Davis and loving the insight. As women and inherently relational beings, I believe we all long for community. Getting there as women can sometimes prove to be difficult. I feel like there have been so many seasons in my life where I continue to redefine my close friendships and re-learn my role.

This book speaks to all of the dynamics of women's friendships and is a true picture of how because we need relationships in the way our bodies need water and air. More to come on my thoughts of the book but as part of my book club I have the chance to give a copy of this book away to one lucky friend. In order to have a shot at owning the book yourself, I want to know what you think the best and worst part of women's friendships are. Is it the girl's nights and the tears, the jealousy and the joys? Let it all out. I will choose a random winner this Sunday night so enter quick!

PS. if you are interested in blogging for books...check out this link for more info.

we came, we tri-ed, we conquered

It is a very good thing I decided this week to remember my like for running because I sure needed it this morning. Temperature: 91 degrees, Heat Index 101 degrees as we began our team triathlon at 7 a.m. in Naperville. We all decided we love this team thing because you still get to do the carb loading, enjoy the experience of the event and without putting your body into a state of exhaustion for the next 24 hours.

I was so proud of Ry, his first race of any kind and he has been the spectator at more races than he would like to remember so I guess he decided it was his turn. He rocked the swimming, Evon killed it on the bike & ran until I thought my face was the deepest purple possible. And it was all worth it because we just checked the team results and we got 9th out of 30 teams! Oh yeah! I'm really not too competitive with anyone but myself but it was fun to accomplish something as a team. Now we are off to enjoy a block party complete with brats on the grill & homemade ice cream. Here are a few post race pics (the camera died before hand) but it's all good.

remembering why I love it

I think I had forgotten why I liked running, fallen out of love with it of sorts. It wasn't always a love/hate relationship; certainly something that I have had seasons with but for the last 2 years it has been a very strong passion and push. Until mid-May when I ran my first 25k, the big dog, the race I have hoped to run since I was 15.

After that day, I kind of hit a wall with running. It became something I should do, rather than something that gave me life in doing. So I took baby steps back, flirting with it and then finally giving it it's proper "dear john" and giving up my place in the half-marathon we do every fall.

But this morning, something unique happened as I ran through the Chicago streets of Emily & Dennis' neighborhood. I remembered why I loved it, before the training charts and the stopwatches, the timing my miles and thinking about paces. For a few miles I floated down the sidewalks, watching traffic and other pedestrians, in my happy place. And remembered why I love running and hope to keep it that way.

Lake Geneva, WI part 2, the adventures

Amazing how a week of vacation can enough space for relaxation and exploring new places. I loved the town of Lake Geneva and we drove in a couple of times to just walk around and soak up the historic beach town. Here we are goofing around one night on the pier:

One of the highlights of our day trip into Milwaukee was Lakefront Brewery which some friends had highly recommended and it did not let us down. It was so laid back and fun that the hour tour flew by with a hilarious guide who is one of the original founders of the place. If you ever have a chance, for $6 you get multiple beer tastings and an awesome pint glass as a souvenir. It stood out as a favorite of everyone in the group as we sat on our last night and discussed the highlights of the week


We also took the chance to visit the "CHEESE MART", part of this little German district with a cheese store that ships internationally and has cheeses I have never even heard of. My poor family, a few of them asked me if I was going to buy a hat...am I that embarrassing?!

We tried to stretch our last 24 hours by waking up on Friday & kayaking down a river, just the 2 of us, which was a must-do on Ryan's short list. And I happily obliged, so relaxing and fun to just paddle side-by-side. Or more like Ryan was usually way ahead of me and I was dodging bushes and trees but I got the hang of it. For our last night we dressed up for dinner at a beautiful little Bistro on the top floor of an old manor with yummy appetizers like baked brie, bruschetta, and spinach dip followed by deep dishes of pasta and later the last pieces of the Lake Geneva Pie Company strawberry/rhubarb & apple pies ala mode. perfection.

Lake Geneva Wisconsin, part 1...the retreat

A big part of what made vacation so relaxing was just that, relaxing. We completely took on the life of vacationers from the moment we arrived and started the first day out by breaking in the porch and exploring the place. this picture totally captures the week:


I was surprised to find out that the Grand Geneva Resort that we were staying at was not actually on the lake itself but 2 miles away, in its own little haven with a golf course and rolling hills and pools with umbrella drinks and an awesome fitness center in which I partook daily in spin, yoga, or pilates to my hearts delight.

The week quickly found a rhythm of days of waking up, choosing a pool, going into town for a few hours or just reading on the deck. It was so new yet natural at the same time to have my hubby be able to completely relax without the responsibilities of a company waiting in his inbox. He amazes me with his ability to disconnect and I tried to emulate that as often as possible. This was his perch for many of the afternoons of the week:


My favorite part of each day was the nightly dinners that we all enjoyed together. We were allowed to do whatever we wanted during the day but each night, a different couple was in charge of dinner. It was really good to have that time, to get to know Evon's kids better since we haven't spent any time with some of them since meeting them 2 years ago and get to know the ones we do know better. The menus for our dinners were awesome including grilled pizzas, stuffed shells, enchiladas, grilled roast & potatoes. And there was no shortage of Leinenkugel's sunset wheat and 2 buck chuck to accompany the feasts.
the girls in the kitchen

open air cafe ala family cafe

awww...

Stacey, Kara & baby Iris (8 weeks old)


part 2 of our adventures tomorrow...I have to go deliver the thank you that Toby made for the neighbors for taking such good care of him while we were gone:

back to blogging

I am allowing myself until tomorrow morning to end my vacation, regardless of the fact that we got home last night. I decided that it goes on and until Monday morning I am allowed to do whatever I want. So there.

I so completely disconnected that I am having a hard time plugging back into reality, so I am trying to do it with caution, knowing that that complete disconnect was so healthy and much needed. I was starting to think that the internal calendar always running through my mind and chaos and sayings like "blessed and stressed" were good mantras to carry around. I needed to step away from blogging and facebooking and phone calls and schedules only to realize that the cadence of my life is mine to determine.

So for a week, it was nothing but days that flowed freely into one another, full of adventure and laziness and laughter and GOOD FOOD. lots of that. I will share more about it this week but wanted to share a few pics of the pit stop we made on the way to Lake Geneva. I saw a sign for the Jelly Belly factory & Erich, Al & Ryan were kind enough to humor me and follow it. We were all pleasantly surprised to find sugar heaven, with every flavor of Jelly Belly and candy you could think of. Almost like Willy Wonka goes Jelly Belly. Here are a few pics before we drifted into sugar induced comas: